The Art of Smoking by Ms.I don’t know who

Now this post of mine will be met with criticism (I jus hope so) from the non-smoking population particularly women, but I can’t avoid writing this one though. Writing something about smoking will evoke raised eyebrows from all quarters. If something is written against smoking, smokers will find it abnormal and if written in support of it, non-smokers will find it insensible. Worse still, the very mention of women smoking will evoke mixed responses. Now when I mention “Women Smoking” don’t get me wrong cos I didn’t mention it in the chauvinistic sense. Now I am also not writing anything in support of women smoking. There is a certain element of flair/style attached with it though which I must admit I’ve begun to admire over the past 2+ years or so since the day I found a gal smoking in my office premises in Gurgaon. Now folks who r in B’lore or NCR (National Capital Region – Delhi, Gurgaon n Noida) or Mumbai must have seen quite a number of ladies smoking but very few wud hav closely watched lest admired the way they smoke. Now why am I jabbering about all this? It’s like how Simbu’s character says in the movie “Vinnaithaandi Varuvaaya”, “Ulagathula evlo ponnu irundhum nan yen Jessie ah love pannen”. I’d like to draw parallels to that. “Gurgaon la evlo ponnunga dum adichalum nan yen indha ponna mattum notice/admire pannen”. Crazy when I think abt it but thats how life is. Now as for the details, there is this very classy woman in my office complex though she is not in my firm. I suppose she is from Convergys or so I heard. Truly classy!!! She knocked me when I bumped into her accidentally one day. I mostly meet her in the basement when I start for lunch from office and she comes to office that time since her shift starts then I guess. I was swept off my feet the first time I happened to get a glimpse of her. Classy, gorgeous, hep, has got THE ATTITUDE (thimiru plainly speaking), formal/western wear n boy she has got gr8 style. Every time I get to my bike in basement my mind wishes for the sound of her stilettos though we jus coincidentally bump into each other sometimes only. She must be in her mid thirties I guess. Now enough of worshipping n back to the crux of it! She smokes (obvious ain’t it) and there is an element of style/class in that. Now if u r thinking if I am that jobless to admire some lady smoking u got me terribly wrong. I’ve seen her smoke whenever I go to the ATM in my office complex or venture out to hav a cup of Chai. Dunno how or why but I actually began admiring the way she smokes. I jus couldn’t stop noticing this. I don’t approve of the idea of women smoking but I’m slipping in this case. I was once admiring her smoking style and then I’ve admired it a few more times. Wow! The way she lights it, the way she takes a puff n the way she flicks the butt (I meant the cigarette butt). Coquettish!!! One single word which would describe it perfectly. Wonderstruck is how I was/am n will be. Forget about ethics n all moral policing, forget abt ill effects of smoking, forget abt women’s liberation, forget abt women being equal to men in all aspects. Heck! Jus admire the elan with which the tobacco rolled into white paper is treated royally by her. Someone had given a definition for a cigarette as “A piece of paper with fire at one end, fool at another and tobacco inbetween” Well I’d redefine it as a piece of paper with fire at one end (hot) tobacco in the middle (hotter) and one smoking hot lady at the other end (hottest). Frankly if I was Vairamuthu or Vaali I’d be writing verses on how I’d wish to be the cigarette that ends up between her lips. Candid Admission and frank thoughts! Now I’m not admiring this woman in the romantic sense but I’m jus romanticizing her art of smoking n ther is a whale of difference between the two. And if u think what crap I am writing u must see it for real. On seeing it u will if not admire will atleast admit it. Please post your comments whatsoever. To end it I’d repeat the dialogue “Gurgaon la evlo ponnunga dum adichalum nan yen indha ponna mattum notice/admire pannen.” On that note I’d end the post and I continue to admire this classy woman who can teach anyone the art of smoking.

An iComdey: iPod - Wherever I went Music followed

My Blog was kinda dormant for a while. I’d wanted to post often but I don’t find time off from my schedule of going to office, watch a movie a day and hit the sack. Now there was this very funny incident which happened today in office. This is worth a mention and hope u find it funny and hav a laugh. It was abt 1.30PM and time to go for lunch. I go to a South Indian mess abt 5 mins drive from office daily and today was no exception. Before leaving, I went into the washroom to take a piss. While taking a piss, I heard this particular song “Kulicha Kutralam” from the Tail movie Duet. A very good number sung by SPB and composed by the great ARR. Now there was nother guy in the washroom and he kinda started at me n he happened to be a Sardar. Now the song was kinda feeble but I could hear it clearly. Crystal I thought and checked my mobile phone if the song was playing accidentally. But there was nothing playin in my phone and I even checked the speakers and brought the phone close to my ears to see if the song was playing at all. Surprisingly it wasn’t. Now this got me thinking. I was wondering how on earth was I hearing this song and from where was the sound actually coming. Then when I looked down, the sound kinda seemed to come from the Urinal outlet. I was taken aback and was staring at the outlet for a moment. Was this magic or was I imagining things or was my mind playing games with me. Just imagine, he news of songs coming out of a Urinal Outlet will make if not international atleast national headlines. The Sardar had left the washroom and wondering about this peculiar thing, I walked towards the elevators to reach the basement. I saw the Sardar taking nother elevator and he had an iPod in his hand and earphones plugged to his ears. Whoa!!! A sardar listening to a Tamil song! Wow! Now I figured that he must have been listening to music when inside the washroom and probably at full volume I could hear the sound from nearby. Thinking that this was the reason for the song I heard, I entered the elevator. Now comes the surprise. The Sardar had taken a different elevator and I had taken a different elevator but still music was playing and this time it was a different song “En Kadhale” from Duet and a beautiful number as well. First it was Kulicha Kutralam from the Urinal Outlet and now En Kadhale in the elevator. Puzzled, I checked my mobile phone again but no sound from it. Was my mind really playing games with me or was I crazy to imagine things again. When I was wondering how a different song was playing inside the elevator, I checked my trouser pocket and my iPod was in it. I normally switch off my iPod when not listening to music and keep it in the Lock mode so as to avoid it getting switched on accidentally. But this time, I had forgot to set it in Lock mode and it had got switched on accidentally and from the playlist the Kulicha Kutralam song was first playing in the washroom and the next song in the playlist being En Kadhale was the one playing when inside the elevator. I realized what a fool I was to imagine if my mind was playing games with me when in reality it was actually my iPod which was playing games with me and I couldn’t help but laugh at myself. I came back from lunch and I told my team this funny incident and they all had a hearty laugh. Very funny when I think of it even now and how I had made an ass outta myself.

Hi folks,

The blog which has been dormant for quite some while (which is an understatement) is now coming alive. I hope I'd be able post frequently atleast from now on. I do intend to post frequently but I don't find time to do so thanks to a rotten schedule, hectic work and a very monotonous life in Gurgaon. IT is like this they say. IT is shIT life I say. I happened to write a blog on BPO life and my experience working in a BPO. But writing something about IT life won't fit in one blog post. Probably a series of Blog Posts will do justice but seriously I don't think people would be interested in reading something which will go endlessly like a prime time soap. Probably I'd write a book about IT life but this thought doesn't strike a spark in my brain cos there should be more of such books by now. Also I'm busy with my current book about faith, religion, atheism and I plan to take my own time and finish it. I needed a change from my monotonous life and I thought about reviving blogging. Thats it folks. Until my next blog post its Whencut signing off. Au Revoir!

Neo(‘s) Call(s)

From the title you can look at this blog in different perspectives. Not that I intend to call myself Neo but the name just stuck on and I like it (thanks to me being fanatical about “The Matrix”) and incidentally I had chosen my American Name to be Neo Johnson. Like I said, this can either be “Neo’s Call” or Neo’s Take on what a BPO or Call center employee feels about the job and stuff or it can be “Neo Calls” which gives some basic idea into what calling (in a BPO) actually is and how I went about my job or it can also be “Neo’s Calls” which tells you about the funniest n freakiest calls I’ve encountered. This whole thing is a fucking mix of everything I experienced, everything related to me working in a BPO. Now I don’t intend to use the F- word all over this piece of blog but the bottom line is I wasn’t fuckin allowed to use any F n B words while on a fuckin call n I don’t fuckin find anything restricting me (not even ethics) from using all of’em here. So you see it all gets down n dirty over here. I didn’t find any point in writing this fuckin blog but jus came instinctively. If u think this guy is fucked up I bloody don’t fuckin care and probably I was inspired by the movie The Departed to come up with such a lingo. If you really don’t understand what I’m talking about, I guess you aren’t mature enough to read on or if you can’t tolerate this and act sissy you can Fuck Off.

Now as most of you might me knowing I was one of the guys lucky to have got a job in first place but very unlucky not to have got the joining date early. So it was a long hols after my engineering degree n when I say LONG I really mean it. I did lotta things to spend time but after one point of time I realized I was pretty much fucked up. So I attended a walk-in interview of a leading call center or BPO or whatever you call it. I got through and was asked to join 3 days later. The best part of the whole job was the Training n the worse thing was it lasted only for 3 weeks and those 3 weeks passed quickly and before I could realize it the D- Day came. It was the day of my assessment that would end my soft- skills training and takes me one step higher in the ladder to Process training (If I Clear It). I will tell you about this later and right now I’d just focus on the Soft Skills training part. The 3 weeks were total fun. The Rule 1 in Call Centers or the Mother of All rules is this “No Profanity on calls” and I’ve mentioned about this earlier. This was the first thing the trainers mentioned. The trainers were awesome and we learnt the American way of speaking English and the nuances of it. It was a thoroughly enjoyable experience and these days were the best days of my call center life. After 3 weeks on the D- Day I cleared my Voice and Soft- Skills Assessment (No Big Deal!) and all fun was over. These 3 weeks I was in Day shift and once I cleared my assessment the process training was in night shift.

The transition from day shift to night shift wasn’t difficult for me though many of my colleagues found it hard to stay awake. I was in a Credit Card process and I was a telemarketer selling packages for credit cards. The Process training was less fun and I was told about the process and about the package which I was gonna sell. After process training, I had my second assessment and I cleared this quite easily. Then I hit the floor (BPO terminology which means I began calling) and then it was fun calling. This was hardcore telemarketing. Now does that ring a bell? I guess so. You must have experienced or heard about this: people calling to offer credit cards here without much knowledge about the product. Unlike these people I wasn’t calling to offer credit cards and I was well trained and had sound knowledge about the product. Thus I began calling and initially it was fun. I had to be aware of lotta things, respond spontaneously, maintain (or fake) the American accent, read the product script which will appear in the computer screen and be attentive to the voice at the other end of the line. From the very first call I had no problem in maintaining a neutral accent and comprehending the accent at the other end thanks to the endless list of English movies I’ve watched n thanks also the English music world. I did lotta mistakes as well, pronouncing names for instance. The customers or people whom I called were each different be it race, religion, creed or language. I had talked to lotta people or rather bugged lotta people would be an apt way of saying it and lotta people had abused me as well and I had flirted with a lotta sweet voiced women whom I presumed to be good looking. “No profanity on calls” is a one way issue because it’s only me who can’t do it but the customer can get off saying anything and abusing like hell. But there was one consoling thing called the MUTE button. If I ever had to abuse the customer all I had to do was press the mute button n blurt out whatever I felt and then get back to the call. Simple as it may sound but gotta be careful as well.

Over a period of time I had spoken to innumerable people: Latin Americans, Afro- Americans (BPO terminology for Blacks), Southerners, Indians and people speaking different languages like Chinese, Spanish, French, German, Russian, Hindi, etc and people speaking Broken English as well. It was really very interesting calling and I began enjoying it. There were occasional Honeys, Darlings and other sweet words like this I would hear over the call mostly from older woman, lotta F and B words from irate customers, people genuinely interested in the product, people pretending to listen, people refusing it no matter what, lotta wrong numbers and lotta DNC requests (Do Not Call). Though my fellow colleagues hated abusing, I devised one nice way to respond to profanity and it really was very effective. Whenever customers abuse me, I respond with “Thank You”, “Great”, “Cool” and the likes of it. Customers would either hang up or stop abusing or in the worst case become pissed off and take abusing to the next level and I’d promptly respond by saying that the call was being recorded and it’d be wise not to use profanity on the call. Americans being law- abiding assholes and fearing a multi- million dollar suit against them they would either apologize or in most cases hang up the phone. The best part of calling was listening to sweet voiced ladies and flirting with them. The moment I hear the sweet girlish voice I picture a pretty dumb American lady or a teenage babe at the other end of the line. This may sound funny but the mind can’t think of anything else but this. I forget about the product and I start flirting with those gals. If you think it’s the same old guys’ mentality I fucking beg to fucking differ because beyond the obvious urge to flirt, the reason is exceedingly simple because “I can and I am like this”. Apart from all this I would also get distracted and do some babe- watching (the very few babes on the floor) on the floor and end up forgetting that I’m on a call. And now to the serious part of calling which is essentially making sales.

All jokes and fun apart it was stats that mattered the most. 9 hours 30 mins Work Shift from 11pm to 8.30 am, 8 hours of Machine Hours or 8 hours of Calling, 2 Sales Per Hour (SPH) which meant atleast 16 sales at the end of the day. These were the expected stats from an Agent (callers are referred to as Agents and it kinda elevates us to a FBI or CIA Agent level ain’t it). I did my best to maintain those stats and I stuck to my job initially and did well. I handled calls well, tried convincing customers to buy the product, learnt a few tricks in trade, conceiving few facts and enticing the customer (plainly speaking cheating the customer) to buy the product and even converting Profanity calls to sales. But then things in overdose become shit n crap in life. So reading the same script and speaking the same thing again n again n continuous calling has its after effects. It became kinda boring after one point of time. The Team Leader (TL) would always press you harder for more sales no matter how many you make and if you don’t maintain the stats there is the Team Manager waiting to unleash his fury. And after experiencing these and what seemed like countless Team Meetings which were always about dropping SPH, less machine hours, no serious rebuttals during calls and stuff the fun n enjoyment were gone and I lost some interest. When the calling records are new (which happens in the beginning of every month as files are new that time) then making sales is easy but as the records get older it becomes tough making sales and maintaining stats. I called the same people again n again and understandably they were pissed off and started shouting and it became a routine. But on the whole I did a reasonably good job. The day’s campaign stats can be viewed in the TL’s system and the top seller of the day is listed in Green, least seller is listed in Red and the rest are listed in Blue. I was in Green and leading the campaign a couple of days and occasionally was in Green only to be over taken by someone else that day. One particular day I was leading from the first sale since my very first call that day was a sale and I ended being in Green when the day’s calling was over. Ironically, I was in Red being the least seller on my last day of work in the BPO.

I’ve also encountered some of the funniest n freakiest calls while working. I’ve sold the product to people totally drunk and on a high not knowing who they are talking to or what it’s all about. I’ve listened to the shrillest voice which squeaks through the headset n pierces your ear and also flirted with one particular gal named “Cyanna” (whose name is definitely not called that way but sounds similar to “Canya”) for close to 90 mins. Then I’ve mispronounced Spanish names Jesus, Jose, Julios, etc which for them aren’t pronounced with the J sound but surprisingly with the H sound. Few calls will be in my memory forever. This call tops the list in which I converted a profanity call to a sale. Simple as it may sound but doing it took a lotta patience n time. There was this guy who had some problem with his credit card and started abusing when I introduced myself and the Brand name. After what seemed like a barrage of nice sounding words, I retorted back saying this call was being recorded and that the customer cannot use profanity on the call. I then told the purpose of me calling and told him about the product. Luckily the product had some relevance to his present problem with his credit card. I managed to convince him to buy the product. The thing is every time I asked that guy’s permission he’d reply saying “Yes, Fuck you”. Strange ain’t it. Besides these I can’t remember any particular call where I’ve cheated the customer into getting the product since I do that every time.

Now I’d just give you an insight into everything about BPO employees. 90% of the guys smoke and they each have some reason to smoke. I was surprised when a gal with a 555 in her hand jus walked to me and quizzically asked me if I don’t smoke as if not smoking was a sin. Honestly, I don’t find it fascinating to hold that cigar n smoke and it’s my policy not to smoke. So I promptly replied that I don’t have a fascination for a fag. And then she had this look which said how on earth can a guy not smoke. That’s the way it is. Even women do smoke and though I’ve seen this in other places I guess there is a huge increase in number of women smoking in Chennai. If a guy can smoke n booze so can a gal. Most of the people there spend there weekends boozing. Fag n booze are life partners and from what I’ve seen I can vouch for this fact. There are few people who do weed and lotta other stuff as well, people who go behind babes. In this case not me and you are supposed to believe this. Relationships build, they break up, split or whatever, find a new one and lotta other activities do happen as well and you know what I mean by this. And these other activities do not exactly happen in the BPO but foundations for all those are laid here. There are tattooed guys n gals proud to show off their body art, Rock star wannabes, Romeos n Juliets and lotta drop outs like me (Drop outs in the sense finishing engineering and working for a few months till we get the DOJ) and there are also people who are simple and very serious about their jobs. It’s a pot pourri of everything actually. Chennai is living upto the US culture and very soon it’d be there with the likes of Bangalore and Mumbai.

I guess I’ve touched upon most things I’ve experienced and I’ve felt. And I hope it seriously wasn’t boring for you. I welcome comments from your side. And for people wondering why there were only few profane words after the initial outbursts of profanity in this blog here it goes ‘Fuck You”. On that note its Neo Johnson signing off in style…..

Awaiting …

A cool breeze whistles past me

I’m standing outside the class, you see!

From the clutches of classroom ethics, I’m set free

Even at this moment, I’m a busybee.

Right now I’m on a rollercoaster

Where ups n downs twists n twirls do matter

But here things are much better

Thanks to the rotten Daddy’s daughter.

Many feel I’m the Devil’s feast

I am bothered the least

All I do is propose a toast

To the devil I hate the most.

The devil thinks she’s taken me for a ride.

But I take these silly things in my stride

God, now I prefer being outside

Unmindful of anything happening by my side.

Guess I am a total freak

This bliss is what I seek

Its time I started to tweak

This devil who’s so cheap and meek.

The cool breeze which I still feel

Bears testimony to my zeal

These wounds in the heart are hard to heel

As I await another fun-filled day long ordeal.

- Whencut

Every other time

Waking up this morn

My mouth wide open with a yawn

I thought you were long gone

With a flash, your face did dawn.

As queen of my hearts you rise

With mesmerizing hazel eyes

Radiant skin as pale as ice

My mind just stops being wise.

You seem pretty and calm

None I’ve ever dreamed of had such charm

None I’ve ever seen was so warm

If I lose count of time, it’d do no harm.

Every other time I gaze

At your beautiful face

Filled with warmth and grace

My mind twists and twirls like a maze.

Every other time I try to talk

Round the street corner you walk

And I follow you like a hawk

At all times, round the clock.

Every other time you vanish in my dreams like mist

I clench my fist

With a silent prayer in a gist

Oh God! Give me the girl of my dreams is what I insist.

Every other time the fire

Tingles in my heart like flames from a pyre

This longing intense desire

And ecstatic emotions take me higher.

Every other time it makes me cry

I am disappointed and I sigh

Yet my passion for thy

Will never ever die.

Every other time from this world I want to flee

There is nothing in this world which interests me

Rather than you whom I want to see

Oh God! The girl of my dreams is what I ask Thee.

- Whencut